....Surprise!!

I recently attended a surprise party where the guest of honor walked in to a room full of people staring at him. He stared back. Blankly. This went on for an uncomfortably long time, until the guests started to move away from him, backing themselves against the wall while the guest of honor continued to stare. Finally a drunk person screamed out, 'Isn't anyone going to yell surprise!?' and the party continued where it had left off before the catatonic guest of honor walked in staring.
My mom threw me a 'surprise' party for one of my pads birthdays. I think it was for the big one, 13. I had spent the night at my frienemy's house, a girl I had gone from calling my best friend to a fucking cunt back to a best friend on a bi-monthly basis. This frienemy lived with a fat hunched over beast who would regularly close you in the frienemy's bedroom while the two of them went into the living room and rolled around on the floor punching, kicking, yelling and screaming at each other. The frienemy had a subscription to Rolling Stone and I would usually get through the first half of the magazine before the frienemy came back into the room to play again. The frienemy also had an older sister who had a fetish for sleeping with foreign exchange students. Sometimes while the frienemy was out fighting the beast, the sister would come in the room and entertain me with stories of her sexual escapades. I didn't mind the stories and listened intently while she rambled on about Dirf and Hipolite and how Norwegians really know how to do it. The frienemy was not happy with this. She would come in mid-tale and throw something at the sister's face and chase her out of the room.
On one spring morning, the frienemy and I were picked up from her house and taken to mine. She was acting strange, as was my mom who greeted us and immediately tried to shuffle us into the backyard. I did as told and stepped outside. A voice or two from above screamed out a half-hearted 'surprise!' and a dixie cup full of water was poured on my head. I looked up and saw two losers sitting on my balcony staring at me. My first thought was, 'why the hell are they here?' Then it occured to me that this must be a surprise party. For me. Cuz it's my birthday. As the blue eyeliner streaked down my face, I put together all the clues that led to this joyous moment. While I was at the frienemy's house my mom went through my phone book and dialed up my friends and told them to come over. Only she didn't realize that the friends she dialed were from last year and that this year we weren't hanging out much. Awkward.
Another loser popped out from the bathroom and suddenly the party ballooned to 5. Everyone put on their swim suits and jumped into the pool. Everyone but me, because I was menstruating for fuck's sake and it just couldn't get any more cliche. While everything sucks during the pads years, surprise parties suck especially hard. And that my friends is the end.